The Question I Ask When Life Feels Off-Track
Whenever things aren’t going right in my life, when I feel lost or uncertain, when progress is frustrated at every turn, there’s an exercise I always come back to.
It begins with a question: Who am I?
Seems simple enough, but quickly it’s apparent that the labels on my bio don’t really answer the question.
Author, designer, speaker, founder. The parade of words ending in -r tell a story of what I do, but what if I stopped doing those things? (What if I want to do something else?)
Keep going until you run out of words. Until you find the root thing. (You might want to do this now before reading on, to see where your exploration goes without being influenced by mine.)
The roles pile up. I’m a wife, mother, daughter, friend. These descriptors feel more integral. I can’t just peel them off like onion skins but still — let’s notice how these selves are all defined in relation to others.
Relationships are vital, and it’s beautiful to have our identity entwined with those we care for. And yet, I’m looking for something else here. Something that does not orbit like a satellite but has its own center of gravity.
Peel back the layers a little further, and new words arise. Art-lover, gardener, runner. Maker, feeler, believer, creator. But be careful! A trap awaits. Notice the generalities creeping in? One more step and we’ll stumble into a marketing segmentation.
All these noun-ified verbs. Try as we might, it’s hard to escape viewing ourselves through the lens of what we do. But who is the being that does all this doing?
I keep going and going until all the words fall away. Body, soul, brain, heart. Until I cannot see anything else to peel back. And what do I find there?
It’s unbearably, hopelessly cheesy, but each time I find the same thing.
Love.
Just a big ball of love, a pool of raw unfiltered tenderness for the world and everything in it.
And let’s be real, I’m more than a little perplexed by this outcome. I mean, is there anything more saccharine than answering the question “Who am I?” with “I am love”? To me, it reeks of the kind of thing a two-bit guru might say in a downloadable audio mantra.
Yet no matter how many times I try to find something more intriguing or clever, the more true it becomes. Who am I really? Love (I’m sorry) love (I’ll keep looking) love (I can’t help it) love (it is what it is) love.
I sit with this ’till my cynicism chills out, and eventually the peace I find is enormous. I’m love, that’s all. How simple life is for a ball of love, how clear the motivation.
And now I can see that all the roles are channels for this love, channels for moving this love into the world. I write love, paint love, grow love, feed love. I plan love and email love. I wash love and put it in pajamas and tuck it in with a night light.
I layer the roles back on and it’s like donning robes, each one newly significant. No longer are these obligations or things I do for approval or because I’m going through the motions. I do them out of love, or not at all.
There’s a freedom in this awareness. You are not just a sum of your achievements. You can change any of the doing and still be you. Ordinary acts feel more purposeful. (Taking out the trash is love. Sleeping late can be love.) I find decisions also feel clearer.
Which path should I take? Which one has more love?
I’ve never shared this practice before, so I don’t know if we’re all love in there (though I suspect we might be). Maybe you’re joy or light or spirit or something else that’s meaningful to you. But what strikes me about this practice is how easy it is to forget about what’s really under all our striving and struggles on a daily basis, and what an unexpectedly powerful shift it is to reconnect to that wellspring.
So, who are you really? I’d love to know what you discover in the comments.
Discussion (38 Comments)
What a great exercise! Very powerful way to reframe and focus life. I don’t know my answer yet, but it is really intriguing to ponder what it might be.
So glad you enjoyed the exercise and that it opened up a new channel to ponder!
What a wonderful exercise! I find that when I connect with the true essence of who I am (call it love or universal energy), that that awareness places all the concerns which can seem so looming and large into a reasonable perspective. And transforming that love into loving by placing it into our world makes it dynamic and has the potential to transform the world around us.
Yes and yes and yes! So much perspective in just being aware of that true essence. Love this.
Thanks so much! This is so beautiful! Finding love at the core of everything! This helps me know who I am- who I aspire to be!!!
Yes! For me there’s so much relief in knowing I already am love, and so I don’t have to try to be it, I can just allow it. You are love, and all you have to do is remove the barriers to it!
I am a unique, individual spirit created by/in/with Love, sincerely motivated to be a loving, beneficial presence in the world. A place where Love is expressed.
❤️
Beautiful, Marlene! Thanks so much for sharing.
Oh my, this is wonderful; thank you so much for sharing it–I am peace.
How beautiful. Thanks for sharing!
What a wonderful thing to be. Thank you for sharing!
Oh how lovely, Ingrid! It makes me think of the poem by Billy Collins called Aimless Love. And the long, long list of things I just did while visiting my aged mother now is seen in a new light—love. 🙂
Oh I will look it up. I love Billy Collins. Love the recontextualization of your visit with your aging mother. Thanks for sharing!
What a great exercise Thank you for sharing. I have always struggled with the question who Am I. Everything I could think of was something I did and not who I was at my core. This pushed me further than I’ve ever been. Stripped of all titles I am quiet. I am peace.
Wonderful discovery. I’m so glad to hear it. Thanks for sharing!
Beautiful exercice and findings. We need to reconnect with “being” to find our essence, instead of staying stuck in “doing”. For me, I am Light (it’s actually in my name)
Love this. How wonderful to be light!
Wonderful, I wasn’t expecting to find this beautiful reminder of Truth here today. Thank you! Love is true for me, too. I cannot be reminded of this too many times!
I’m so happy this found you the other day. And I too can never get enough reminders of it!
Thank you for sharing this exercise. I frequently find myself grappling with which -er I should hone in on, concerned that if I don’t focus in on a certain identity, I will not progress as desired. When I see that these are just facets of me giving light (the word I came to as I read about your love), I can see these identities as different tools to bring that light.
Your love has given me a special gift!
Oh I love this so much! Yes, I find it so freeing to remember that I can change the -er and still be me and my core. Given your comment, you might be interested in the interview Liz Gilbert did with John Hodgman in the early days of her Big Magic podcast – they talked about being a dilettante and completely changed my mind about being someone who moves from thing to thing in life, from seeing it as a sign of unseriousness to a sign of great cross-pollination and power.
My gut reaction to this question was that “I am fear.” I’m walking through a season of life that seems characterized by fear (and brokenness). But when I reflected for a few minutes it hit me like a bolt – I’m not defined by my fear because I Am Hope.
Thanks, Ingrid. I needed to tell myself this today.
I’m so sorry that you’re moving through a fearful and challenging time in life, Elisabeth. When I first started doing this exercise I was going through a time where I felt so alone in the world, and to be able to feel myself as loving in a time when I felt lonely and perhaps even a bit unlovable was profound. I’m glad you were able to access the hope within yourself and likewise hope better days are in store for you soon.
I love that you’re discussing things like this. Thank you.
Thanks so much for the kind feedback! It always helps to know what kinds of posts are helpful or interesting!
This is beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks so much, Jerri!
I love you. And this exercise. And your outcome.
I am a portal of divine creation ✨️
I guess that’s also love ❤️
What a beautiful answer, Simone. Thanks for sharing and for your kind words.
I found a very similar answer when doing the exercise — I got a visceral sense of myself as someone who cuddles, who enjoys talking to strangers, who is here to share and be in relationship. All long ways of saying “love.” Thank you for this reflection, and thank you for the encouragement to try the exercise on our own before reading your answer.
I love the visceral feeling you had around this exercise. So powerful! Thanks for sharing your experience with it!
Thank you for sharing this! I paused as suggested before reading your answer, and similarly, came to Love. I felt and wrote, “I am a fountain of love.” For me it feels as though it’s on the move, and radiating, rather than a pool or ball, though I love the concept of channeling it into one’s roles.
So cool that you tried it for yourself and came to the same place. How wonderful to find it radiating!
This was certainly an interesting exercise – turns out I am Curiosity!
Very cool! Thanks for sharing 🙂
I am following the work of the ‘Ultimate Coach’, Steve Hardison, at the moment and that prompts me to answer, ‘I am Being.’ At any moment I ask myself, ‘Who am I being?’ Am I being service, love, giving, or the opposite?
‘Who am I?’ vs ‘How am I?’ It is definitely a good exercise, especially because it changes over time, I reckon.
Right now, I don’t know the answer to #1, but that is part of the (soul) search.
I wonder what would it mean to have the answer to that? Most likely it would narrow down the room for growth.
I like the fact that I don’t know all about it yet, but that, instead, I get to find out a little bit more everyday.
Thank you for sharing these wonderful posts and giving us food for thought, Ingrid.????????????
And this is just because the closest thing that I can commit to being, right now, is Free(dom), which places me in front of this blank canvas, thanks to which everything is possible. And it gives an incredibly Joyful feeling.