The other day, I really wanted to go on a walk. But Graham hasn’t been much into walks lately.
So I tried the thing all the parenting books suggest, which is to give the child a limited set of options to choose from. “If we were going to go on a walk,” I said, “would you rather go in your wagon or your stroller?”
G’s response: “I would choose not to go on a walk.”
I burst out laughing. “You’re going to do great in life,” I said, giving him a squeeze. And I meant it.
Beware of False Choices
So often we are given a false choice by the world. Take a day job you hate or be a starving artist. Settle for a partner who’s good enough, or risk being alone forever. Be a good mom or a good employee. Be an irresponsible spender or a miserly saver.
When we take the choice at face value, we’ve unwittingly bought into a zero-sum game. We’ve allowed society, with all its biases, to limit our possibilities with constraints that don’t actually exist.
I loved Graham’s response (even though it meant I didn’t get my walk) because he saw that the game was rigged. As a parent, my gambit was to give him the illusion of self-determination, while shaping the option set in a way that kept me in control. In refusing to play the game, he rejected my false choice and identified an unstated, but perfectly valid option.
For those of us who are good little rule-followers, this can feel like sacrilege. It’s like we’ve spent our lives taking a multiple choice test, only to find out it was really an essay question.
rejecting the false choice
The lightbulb that went off for me when Graham refused my deal is that false choices are just another form of scarcity mindset. When we’ve been led to believe that what’s possible for us is limited, it’s natural that we’ll accept the choices we’re offered. You have to take what you can get, right? But when we have an abundance mindset, when we believe our possibilities are vast and open-ended, we’re more likely to see through the choice set and create better options for ourselves.
Have you seen the movie, Air, about the making of the Air Jordan? What really stayed with me (and this might be kind of a spoiler alert, but also a historical fact so I’m not sure it counts as a spoiler?) is the way that Jordan’s mom Deloris insisted on Michael getting a royalty on the sales of the shoe. (Literally, I have goosebumps just typing this.) There were three shoe companies that could possibly sponsor him: Adidas, Converse, and Nike. None of them were offering equity in the shoe — it just wasn’t a thing any of them had ever considered. She just insisted that it be a part of the deal.
And in the process she changed the entire landscape of athlete endorsements from that point forward.
Spotting the hidden options
Toddlers are phenomenal teachers because they are relentless in pursuit of joy. And they have zero qualms about being perceived as difficult.
This incident has reminded to start asking “What else?” whenever I’m faced with a set of options. What else do they have that they’re not offering? And what else is possible that no one’s saying? What else exists outside the binary? What else could we create if we didn’t feel stuck with how things are?
I did eventually get my walk, by the way. G was perfectly willing to go if he could bring his digital camera and take pictures of every sign along the way 😉
Discussion (3 Comments)
Graham’s reply made me laugh out loud, too — and I love this whole post. I’ve made a point so many times of rejecting the false choice. (“Take a day job you hate or be a starving artist. Settle for a partner who’s good enough, or risk being alone forever.” These two really stand out for me!) And I still find myself sucked back into that mindset regularly. Thanks for the joyful reminder!
I was curious how you got to go on the walk with your son taking his camera. I am a school teacher and a rule follower. I’m too much of a rule follower at times. When I have a student who refuses to do what we are doing, it can be quite challenging. Thanks.
We try to find a balance between what parents need and what kids need. There are times when I say we have to do something, but we try to lead with enthusiasm in some way – what would get him excited about doing the thing? So I said, with excitement, “I have an idea! Want to take your camera around the neighborhood to take pictures of signs?” This was a big yes. It was not great exercise for me, obviously, because it was slow. But we brought the stroller and when he got tired enough he climbed in. So that was a win.
It’s hard with a class I imagine because you have a lot of kids and can’t understand each one’s desires at every given moment. But I do think you can validate the desire while holding the boundary. Sometimes I have to say, “You don’t want to do this. I get it. But that’s what we’re doing today.” Just validating that it’s ok to not want to do the thing sometimes makes him feel heard and eases the resistance.