Have you ever noticed that after spending time with certain people, you feel so energized you could go out and run a marathon? I have a couple of friends like this, where after a conversation I always end up brimming with creative ideas and possibilities. And then there are other people who make you feel so depleted, it’s like you need a nap to recover from a half-hour phone chat.

This is the idea behind the popular notion of “radiators and drains,” a common framework for thinking about relationships that has been espoused by everyone from Oprah Winfrey to Reese Witherspoon. As Reese put it in a recent video on Instagram, “You need to spend time around the radiators, the people who radiate light and goodness and positivity, not the drains.”

The idea that other people’s energy can affect our own is nothing new. In 1962, John Steinbeck wrote, “Strange how one person can saturate a room with vitality, with excitement. Then there are others… who can drain off energy and joy, can suck pleasure dry and get no sustenance from it. Such people spread a grayness in the air about them.”

Emotional Contagion

It turns out there’s a real basis for this phenomenon: emotional contagion. Research shows that we can “catch” the emotions of the people we spend time with, both positive and negative. You can feel this consciously, as you might when a friend dumps their problems on you without taking a breath to ask how you are. But it can also be unconscious, transmitted through our tone of voice, gestures, posture, and facial expressions.

Researchers believe this may be adaptive. Emotions are incredibly effective at synchronizing action, so at one point in our evolution it may have been adaptive for us to be able to effortlessly transmit our emotions, a way of helping to keep a community aligned.

How To Be a Radiator, Not a Drain

Depending on how sensitive you are to the feelings of others, you may or may not have noticed the phenomenon of radiators and drains. Yet even if you don’t feel affected by other people’s energy, you may be wondering: how can I be a radiator, not a drain?

After all, given the choice, most of us would love to leave others feeling better than we found them. Yet when I posted Reese’s video, I received a comment from an introverted reader who said that it made her feel inadequate. “I am not a bubbly person who is funny. Trying to be the sunshiny extrovert is not authentic to who I am.” Other readers worried that it entailed a kind of toxic positivity — having to be upbeat and optimistic even if that isn’t how you feel in the moment.

These concerns make a lot of sense, yet in my experience, being a radiator doesn’t require turning yourself into something you’re not. There are ways to be a radiator that work for introverts and extroverts, for people who are always looking on the bright side as well as for realists.

To get more specific, I put this question out to our community on Instagram. Readers shared dozens of suggestions for how to be a radiator, no matter what kind of personality you have. What emerged from these suggestions are five qualities that radiators display in their interactions with others. Cultivate these qualities, and the chances are good, you’ll be a radiator for others.

Show Warmth

Many readers describe radiators as “warm,” which makes sense given the metaphor. But this doesn’t mean you have to be effusive or over-the-top. You can give off a welcoming energy by making eye contact, being open to interacting with others, and smiling in a genuine way.

If you struggle with shyness or doing these things feels forced, know that it’s less about specific actions and more about intentions. If you set an intention to be warm and open, your actions are more likely to naturally follow. It may also help to shift your focus outside of yourself and think about what you’re most curious about in the people you’re spending time with. This can help you be less self-conscious and free you to be more present and open.

Be present and Listen well

With that in mind, another quality that many readers find in radiators is presence. Radiators aren’t distracted or caught up in FOMO. They’re excited to be with you, which makes you feel valued and appreciated.

A little known secret is that people tend to think you’re most interesting when you ask them questions about themselves. Similarly, though we think of radiators as bubbly and excited, they’re actually more likely to be the people who listen well. Readers describe the radiators in their lives as people who make them feel seen and accepted, and that starts with listening.

To be more of a radiator for others in your life, work on developing your listening skills. Pay attention to how much you talk vs. how much you listen, and notice what changes in your relationships when you start giving them more space to talk. If you’re worried about getting the conversation going, you can always try having a few thoughtful questions in your back pocket to help them open up.

Regulate your own emotions

One quality that comes up a lot when talking about radiators is calm. Readers describe radiators as people who are are able to put others at ease. And this starts with regulating their own emotions.

Think about it: if you have a friend who is always overwhelmed and who snaps at you when you make a small mistake or is constantly venting about their work problems (which never seem to get any better), it’s likely you’ll feel a lot of that stress spill over when you spend time with them. You may even feel relieved when you’re no longer with them. Their inability to process and handle their strong emotions means you’re left to deal with the overflow, and that can be draining.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t have strong emotions or that you should repress them. On the contrary, regulating your emotions means having the tools and resources to manage those feelings in a healthy, adult way. It means being able to share difficult feelings without flying off the handle, and maintaining a sense of appropriate boundaries even when you’re stressed.

It’s important to note that emotional regulation is a learned skill, not an innate ability. If you feel like your emotions often set you off balance, seeking out the help of a therapist can help you build the capacity to hold your center and stay calm, both for yourself and for others.

notice the good

Though radiators are often described as positive, this doesn’t mean you need to be a smiling robot who never expresses a negative thought. Rather, radiators tend to look for the good, both in the world around them and in others. They’re grateful and appreciative. They’re often delighted by small things and can’t wait to rave about a book or movie or product that they’ve recently discovered.

On the flip side, radiators typically avoid judgment and gossip. It’s draining to be with someone who makes judgmental comments because deep down, you’re always kind of wondering if they’re thinking similar things about you. Radiators often seem bubbly because they’re brimming with positive things to say about the people in their lives.

One practice that can help you be more of a radiator is joyspotting: intentionally taking note of things that make you feel good. The more you focus your attention on what brings you joy, the more likely you are to have those good things to share when you spend time with others.

bring out the Best in Others

At the end of the day, you know you’ve spent time with a radiator because you come away feeling good about yourself. Radiators support your dreams and encourage your efforts. They reflect your best qualities back to you, making you feel like more of a radiator yourself.

Radiators don’t just do this when you’re with them. They share opportunities. They advocate for others when they’re not in the room. I think the biggest sign you’ve met a radiator is actually in the stories others tell about them. They’re often the person at the end of the acknowledgments or the thank you speech, the “it never would’ve happened without her” person who made the critical introduction or gave the pep talk at a pivotal moment.

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I think the binary framing of radiators vs. drains makes us worry that it’s something we either are or aren’t. But in reality, being a radiator is something you do. And anyone can learn to be more of a radiator, in a way that feels authentic to who you are.

Which is a good thing, because if there’s one thing the world needs more of, it’s people who radiate joy in their own unique way.

Share this post with a radiator in your life to let them know how they make you feel.